A Fistful of Million Dollar Quagmire
by HazelWitch81
Summary: Peter and Meg put Quagmire through epic training as they prepare him for the fight of his life. In retrospect, Quagmire should've been the one to have been forced to fight Mental Mike, not Meg.


Family Guy

A Fistful of Million Dollar Quagmire

By: Hailey Sands

Opening Credits.

The Opening to CHiPS is spoofed. With Joe Swanson as Erik Estrada and Glenn Quagmire as Larry Wilcox.

Chapter One:

On a typical fall Monday in Quahog Rhode Island, Glenn Quagmire is posing as an exchange student at James Woods High. It was lunchhour and Quagmire is in line to get his lunch. Quagmire is dressed in skater punk clothes. Meg sees him from a distance. Across the lunchroom there was a tough looking heavy set looking teenage boy named Mental Mike. Patty and Ruth notice the new 'student' and encourage Meg to talk to him. But Meg realizes there's something oddly familiar about the so-called Icelandic Exchange student.

Meg: My Mom, dog, and brothers are at a family reunion with my Mom's family, The Pewterschimdts. For some reason they didn't take me. (sees Quagmire)

Patty: Who's the new guy?

Ruth: Whoever he is, he sure is cute.

Patty: You should get to know him, Meg.

Meg: Nah, don't think I should...

Ruth: Don't be shy...

Patty: Out of all of us, you're the only one who's good at meeting new people.

Meg: All right. If you all insist...maybe I can get him to come sit with us.

Patty: Cool, go for it.

Meg approaches the new student Quagmire was disguised of as Mental Mike walks by.

Mental Mike: (Grunts)

Meg: Hello, welcome to James Woods High. I'm Meg and...

Quagmire: Shhh. Stop please!

Meg: (groans) Even new students hate me...without getting to know me...

Quagmire: I'm not really a student, just posing as one.

Meg then recognized the ' student' as Quagmire.

Quagmire (whispering): Did you hear about a new teacher here? Rumor has it, she has sex with male students. You know how I gotta get in on THAT!

Meg: Quagmire? And no I didn't hear about...

Quagmire (cutting off Meg): Dammit, Keep your dumbass mouth shut. You're going to blow my cover...

Meg: All right. Your secret is safe with me. Hope this isn't a ploy for you to go out with me again, you know my son of a bitch parents...

Quagmire: No, it's not. Peter and Lois will never let that happen again. Now, introduce me to your friends. I am Arndor Ginarr. Exchange Student. From Iceland.

Meg leads Quagmire to the table she and her friends were sitting.

Patty: Cool. You did it, Meg.

Ruth: You're an inspiration to us.

Meg: Guys...

Patty: Don't call us guys in front of him.

Ruth: We're not guys. This isn't that movie Now and Then.

Meg: Oops, sorry...(ahem)... this is an exchange student. From Iceland.

Quagmire: Arndor Ginarr. Pleased to meet you.

Ruth: Wow. People in Iceland are very polite.

Patty: Can you do something for us?

Quagmire: Sure anything.

Ruth: Get some ketchup for us.

Quagmire: No problem. I'll get some for myself, too.

Patty, Meg, and Ruth watch as Quagmire was taking his tray over to where the condiment stand was, just as Quagmire was about to get the ketchup, he trips over his untied shoelace and screams. Quagmires lunch goes flying in the air and lands on Mental Mike.

Ruth: Oh, no!

Patty: Quick run!

Meg: He just angered Mental Mike. Nobody angers Mental Mike.

Mental Mike goes over to Quagmire. Meg, Patty, and Ruth all watch in fear. Mental Mike mistakes Quagmire for a student.

Quagmire: (nervously): Uh...hi...Arndor...

Mental Mike (grabs Quagmire by the collar): Oh, so you're at new kid, eh? I don't give a shit to know your name.

Quagmire (fearfully shaking): Uhh, so, what do you want?

Mental Mike: You spilled your lunch on me. That makes you an awkward geek. I hate your kind...

Quagmire (gulps): Don't like where this is going...

Mental Mike: Gotta proposition for ya...

Quagmire: You mean like the prostitution kind? Sure could go for that!

Mental Mike: You're not going to be old enough to live to (beep) a whore or prostitute once I get through with you.

Quagmire (sarcastically): Shows how much you know...

Mental Mike: Okay you, I heard that! You asked for it!

Quagmire: Did a win a booby prize?

Mental Mike: You'll win a prize all right, on Friday, 3pm, you and I are going to fight.

The students in the cafeteria cheer and chant "fight" twenty times.

Mental Mike: There's no way out of it, and if you do try to get out, I will find you, and I will kill your sorry ass...Remember, Friday, 3pm. There will be blood! Yours!

The students now all go 'ooooohhhhh'. Quagmire begins to cry. Meg was just as terrified as Quagmire was.

Quagmire (crying): Do I really have to go through with this?

Meg (scared): Afraid so. Legend at this school is that anyone who even bumps into Mental Mike has to fight him.

Quagmire: Why don't you try to get me out of this?

Meg (whining): No, I don't want to fight..what can I do anyway?

Quagmire: Why not try to protect me?

Meg (shaking): Like be your bodyguard?

Quagmire: Yes, exactly. You know how to fight. You fight with Chris. Don't you remember those brutal sex games we used to play together when we dated?

Meg: That's different...just don't know how to...you crazy? Can't go up against him. He would split me in half.

Quagmire: Some help you are Meg! We dated once, I thought you had my back...

Meg (shows Quagmire her pimpled, hairy back): Only back I will ever have...Don't expect me to be your Kevin Costner to your Whitney Houston.(walks away) Am not getting involved...bye...

Quagmire: Forgot about how tough high school was... Well, looks like I won't be getting laid with that teacher after all. (snaps finger) Got it! I Wil go to Principal Shepard, convince him I'm not an exchange student, and he will get me out of the fight.

Then Quagmire heads to Principal Shepard 's office. Meg walks off with Patty and Ruth.

Chapter Two:

Quagmire is waiting to see Prinicipal Shepard, then the secretary tells him to go in.

Secretary: The Prinicipal may see you now...

Quagmire was now in Prinicipal Shepard's office.

Shepard: Hey, I know you. You're that exchange student from Iceland. Arndor Ginarr. Come sit down.

Quagmire: Actually, that is what I came to tell you. I am not.

Shepard: Of course you are. Got all your records...

Quagmire: No, you don't understand. I was just posing as a student to get lucky with a teacher. (takes off his skater punk clothes and reveal his regular clothes) I am really Glenn Quagmire!

Shepard: No you're not, you're Arndor Ginarr!

Quagmire: How can you not believe me? This will get you to believe me... Here's the thing, I accidently spilled my lunch on a school bully Mental Mike, and he is going to kill me for it come Friday at 3pm!

Shepard: You brought it on yourself. You were the one who chose to spill your lunch on him. So you're going to have to fight.

Quagmire: No, you don't understand! I am trying to get out of this!

Shepard: Sorry, nothing I can do about it.

Quagmire: Come on! You should know me, I went to this school 40 years ago! I am Glenn Quagmire!

Shepard: Nope, sorry. The fight is still on. In this school, we encourage bullying students who are outcasts. Not being in the popular crowd is the cardinal sin in this school.

Quagmire: I am not Arndor Ginarr! I am...

Shepard: For the next week or so, you are going to attend this school until you fight Mental Mike.

Quagmire: But...but...but...I When I was going here, I was popular! Why won't you recall that? You should recall me being here 40 years ago! I was banging chicks left and right, I was known as the peni...

Shepard: Leave NOW! Goodbye, Arndor! See you on Friday.

Just then, Quagmire walks out of Prinicipal Shepard's office in disgrace. Quagmire has one more plan up his sleeve.

Quagmire: Well, luckily for me, I have friends. Gosh, I recall that Prinicipal Shepard being a hard ass! He's almost as in much denial as Hal Halbrook was in the movie Capricorn One.

Cutaway Scene:

It shows OJ Simpson in an astronaunt suit talking to Hal Halbrook who was sitting at a desk.

OJ Simpson: Are we going on that Mars mission, yet?

Hal Halbrook: Truth is... There is no mission to Mars!

OJ Simpson: Yes there was!

Hal Halbrook: No there wasn't!

OJ Simpson: Yes there was!

Hal Halbrook: No there wasn't!

OJ Simpson: Yes there was!

Hal Halbrook: No there wasn't!

OJ Simpson: YES THERE WAS!

Hal Halbrook: NO THERE (beep)ING WASN'T!

Mental Mike walks by Quagmire.

Quagmire: What do you want now?

Mental Mike: Remember! Friday! 3pm! You're ass is mine!

Quagmire cried as he run out of James Woods High.

Chapter Three:

At the Drunken Clam, Peter and Joe were at their favorite booth. They were watching a horse race.

Peter: My bet is on the black guy!

Joe: My bet is on the Puerto Rican!

Peter: If the black guy wins, you owe me!

Joe (growling in anger): If you want to play dirty that way...

Peter was now on the ground in his underwear rolling around in dirt and laughing manically.

Joe: What the (beep) is this about? I can have you arrested for public exposure.

Peter (laughing): hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Playing dirty! I like it filthy! hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Look at me, rolling in my own shit and filth! hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!

Joe: Get UP!

Peter (disguisted): All right! (mumbling to himself, putting back on his clothes)

Quagmire then runs into the Drunken Clam crying his eyes out.

Joe: Quagmire! What is hell is going on?

Quagmire (sobs): I was at James Woods High posing as a student! I did this because I wanted to get Giggity with a teacher who sleeps with male students.

Joe: That sounds like something you would do.

Peter: Go on...

Quagmire (sobs): Then Meg almost blew my cover and he introduced me to her friends. (sobs); They asked me to bring them some ketchup...

Peter: Go on...

Quagmire: As I was giving them the ketchup, I tripped over my shoelaces and spilled my lunch on a bully named Mental Mike. Ever since I did that Mental Mike now wants to challange me to a showdown on Friday at 3! (sobs)

Joe: Well, didn't you tell the Prinicipal you were really Glenn Quagmire?

Quagmire: I did! But he wouldn't believe me! Now I am stuck at that school for another (beep)ing week until I can fight Mental Mike! (sobs)

Peter: Woah! Wait! You sat by Meg at lunch? Did she do anything to stop it?

Quagmire: No. She was just as scared as I was...(sobs); What am I going to do?

Peter (angerly): There's something I am going to do! That little wormy, mousy little bitch Meg is going to pay for this! (shakes his fist in the air)

Joe: Don't get after Meg about this! This isn't her fault! I was never that crazy about her, so there's no need to punish her for this!

Peter (angerly): Oh, yes there is! I'll be right back!

Joe reassures Quagmire as Peter walked out of the Drunken Clam angerly. At the Griffin House on Spooner Street, Meg was in her room. Meg was on her computer filming herself.

Meg (to the computer): This is why I think I should be a contestant on the MTV show, Made! I am Meg Griffin. I am...

Just then, Peter breaks down her bedroom door with incredible strength. Meg screams in horror. Peter was steaming angry at Meg for not standing up for Quagmire.

Peter: YOU!

Meg: Dad! What do you want? You ruined my audition tape! Was going to use it for when I go to college!

Peter: There's going to be no college for you, EVER!

Meg: What are you talking about? You always victimize me!

Peter: You're one to talk about ruining things and victimizing! You ruined my day at the Clam with Joe!

Meg: How did I do that when I was in my room...

Peter: I'll tell you how! You didn't protect Quagmire when he was posing as a student in school! Does Mental Mike ring a bell?

A bell rings in the distance 10 times.

Meg: There was nothing I can do about that! It's not my fault!

Peter: Playing victim, again, eh? Everything is always about you! Quagmire is twenty times the victim you are! Didn't you ever consider his feelings? Quagmire is forced to go back to school for the next week, and he's going to be killed on Friday when he has to fight Mental Mike, and it's all your fault!

Meg: No it's not!

Peter: YES IT IS! (punchs Meg's bedroom wall)

Meg: Is there anything I can do to make this better?

Peter: You're going to make this better, all right! For the next week, you're grounded! As for your punishment...you are going to help me train Quagmire for the fight!

Meg: No! I refuse to be a part of your crazy ass harebrained schemes!

Peter: I will not take that attitude with you, young lady! Your attitude is worse than Hazel from The Fault In Our Stars!

Cutaway Scene:

It shows Gus and Hazel at the hospital.

Hazel: Why do you like me so much?

Gus: You're very beautiful!

Hazel: Hey, wait a minute! Are you trying to get with me?

Gus: Well, yes...

Hazel: I don't want to go all the way with you, sicko perv!

Gus: Don't even know why I even bothered! Go to hell bitch!

Meg: How dare you use your stupid ass cutaways to mock my favorite movie!

Peter: You always liked it mobid, didn't you!

Meg: I'll help! What do you want me to do?

Peter: In the next week or so, you're going protect Quagmire! Understood!

Meg: Guess so. I can get a football team to be his bodyguard for a while...if they'll listen and agree to it.

Peter: Good. Do that!

Meg then agrees to get involved with Peter's scheme to help train Quagmire for the fight with Mental Mike.

Chapter Four:

It was now Tuesday at James Woods High. Quagmire's tensions were rising high as he feared for his life. Quagmire was slowly awaiting his fate on Friday at 3pm as he was forced against his will to stay at James Woods High posing as a non existent Icelandic exchange student named Arndor Ginarr. Quagmire feels ashamed that his plan went awry. Meg and Quagmire were in the same chemistry class.

Quagmire: How could it get much worst than this? These pricks who call themselves school student counsel members really think I'm a student! How could they be so stupid! All I wanted was to get laid with that teacher. This is the most derogatory thing that's ever happened to me. I'm here at school facing a bully, when I can be at the airport flying airplanes by now.

Meg: Meet me by the girls room after class.

Quagmire: Whatever.

Minutes later, when Chemisty class got out, in between classes Meg is by the girls bathroom waiting to meet Quagmire.

Quagmire: So, what did you want to see me for?

Meg: Dad is making me get involved. Didn't want to to this, but... (blows whistle)

Out comes the James Woods High School Football team coming out of the boy's bathroom.

Quagmire: Meg! You know I am not gay...

Meg: No, it's not that! I hired these guys to shield you from Mental Mike.

Quagmire: Would've preferred cheerleaders, but this is fine.

Meg (orders the football players): Listen up! This is that new Icelandic Exchange Student. Arndor Ginar. He is being threatened by Mental Mike. You will protect him because he is your friend...

Football Player #1: Isn't there a boy we can talk to...Or a coach who's a man?

Football Player #2: Don't usually take orders from outcasts...

Football Player #3: If we want to be even more beloved, guess we'll do this!

The Football Players huddle together and put Quagmire in the middle of their crowd. The Football Team escorts Quagmire to all of his classes.

Meg: Yes! My plan worked! Dad will have to let me off the hook for this.

As the day progressed, the Football Players protected Quagmire. Up until the end of the day. Meg and Quagmire were walking in the school parking lot with the football players.

Quagmire: Wow! Meg! heh heh! Think you did something right for once...

Meg: People have accused me of being a screw up all my life.

Somewhere in the shadows, out of nowhere, Mental Mike comes out of hiding behind a pickup truck and sees Quagmire being protected by the football players.

Mental Mike: HA! What is meaning of this?!

Meg: Can't get to him now! We got the football team on our side!

Quagmire: That's right! These football players have athletic abilities to kick your ass!

Mental Mike: Not if I can help it!

The Football Players, Meg, and Quagmire watch as Mental Mike is about to attack!

Football Players: James Woods High Football! FIGHT TO WIN!

Mental Mike just stood there as the Football Players got out their guns they had hidden in their uniforms to shoot at Mental Mike. The bullets didn't phase him and ricocheted off him. Then the Football Players tried their best to physically attack Mental Mike. But they don't succeed. One by one, Mental Mike wrestled, punched, kicked, and tore the Football Team limb from limb leaving a bloody mess. Meg and Quagmire watched in horror!

Meg: Oh, no! This can't be happening!

Quagmire: This was such a foolproof plan!

Mental Mike picked up a torn off arm and squirted the blood dripping from it like a squirt gun. The blood splatter on the wall of the school building and it formed the letters, "You're Next Arndor!"

Meg and Quagmire: NNNNNOOO!

Mental Mike: Thought you could get people to protect you, huh? Too bad! Hope you have not forgotten! Friday! 3pm! It's ON!

Meg (breaking down and crying): So sorry about this! Thought you were going to be safe. (sobs)

Quagmire: Really appriciate what you did for me, Meg. Let's face it...I'm as good as dead. The Giggity thrill is gone. Just like B.B. King when he died a slow and painful death of diabetes. I have Giggityed my last Giggity...(sighs)

Connie D'Amico and her friends drive by Meg and Quagmire.

Meg: Great. Last thing we need right now.

Connie: Hey, Meg! Your Icelandic Snowman Yeti Boyfriend is going to die on Friday! Prepare to be alone again! Like you always are and always will be!

Meg and Quagmire see Connie and her friends drive away laughing at their expense. Then Meg and Quagmire go home in vain.

Chapter Five:

At the Griffin House, Peter was watching TV.

TV: We now return to a deleted scene from the movie Something Wild!

The scene on the TV shows Jeff Daniels, Ray Liotta, and Melanie Griffith in a house.

Jeff Daniels: Hey, dickhead! I got a plan to take you down!

Ray Liotta: You and what army?

Melanie Griffith: Please, leave us alone. I am going back with him...

Jeff Daniels: You have terrorized us for too long, so I got...(claps his hands)

A bunch of black people run into the house.

Ray Liotta: What the (beep) is this!

Jeff Daniels: Black Church Goers! Kick his sorry ass!

The black people physically attack Ray Liotta and scream obsenaties at him. They say everything from "kick yo ass!" to "take this you honky son of a bitch!"

Ray Liotta: Oh, shit! I'm screwed!

Back in the Griffin Living Room.

Peter: Never seen this 80's movie before...

Meg runs into the house crying to deliver the bad news to Peter who is still mad at her for not standing up for Quagmire.

Peter (angerly): Knew it! Always can tell with you, Meg! My instincts tell me that something went wrong! Tell me now! Give me the details!

Meg (crying): I tried to protect Quagmire. Really I did...Mental Mike attacked the entire football team...my plan went to pot...

Peter: As Marvin The Martian used to say, 'You Make Me So Very Angry!" (slaps Meg into the ground)

Meg: I've gone as far with this as I could. I'm done. Quit! It's over! (sobs) It's finished!

Peter: Oh no you don't.

Meg (crying): Please Dad! Want nothing to do with this anymore. Don't want to be involved! There's nothing I can do!

As Meg was crying and begging to get out of it, Peter decides to blackmail Meg.

Peter: You're in this for the long run, Meg! If you back out on this, I am going to Facebook and write to my biological father in Ireland, Mickey McFinigan, and I am going to tell him you have no friends. Understood?

Meg (giving in): You're the boss...

Quagmire runs into Peter's house crying.

Peter: Since your Plan A failed, we're going to Plan B!

Meg: You mean the birth control pill?

Peter (disgusted): Birth control my ass...NO! Stupid! You're going help me train Glenn to fight!

Quagmire: I'm willing to learn how to fight. Like a have a choice. With you two by my side, we can achieve anything.

Peter: Then it's settled! (pulls Meg by the shirt collar)

Meg: Okay, I'll help him fight.

Quagmire: She coming with us?

Peter: You bet this ugly fat ass is coming with us! This is all her fault anyway..

Meg: Want to stay home. ...But, but, it's my time to watch TV now..

Peter: Nothing in this house belongs to you, monkey face!

Quagmire, Peter, and Meg all head to the Quahog gym. While they were at the Gym, Peter and Meg are training Quagmire to punch a bag.

Peter: The key to boxing is you have to punch the bad 500 times.

Quagmire: Seriously? That many?

Meg: It's what he says.

Peter: Shut up, Meg! Go! Quagmire!

Meg and Peter cheer Quagmire on, but Quagmire doesn't have the gull or strength to punch the bag. Quagmire punches the bag and proves himself to be a very floppy fighter. Hitting the bad meekly and in a feeble manner. Barely even hitting the punching bag at all. Quagmire is out of breath as he collapses on the floor.

Peter: Don't fail us now, Glenn! (as Mick from Rocky): Quagmire! You're a bum!

Quagmire: It's no use, guys! I do have strength, but I use it all to rape women. Might as well be writing my will...

Peter: Well, put that strength into beating Mental Mike!

Meg: This is going to be harder than we thought.

Peter: Teaching Quagmire to fight is almost a bigger waste of time than when Brian and Stewie did that bumper for Investigation Discovery.

Cutaway Scene:

It shows Brian and Stewie on a cliff having a picnic. Brian and Stewie were eating and drinking. As soon as they were done, Brian and Stewie go to a car and take out Meg's dead body from the trunk and throw Meg's corpse down the cliff. Brian and Stewie high five each other. Then a voiceover whispers: "Investigate"!

Peter: Come along, little doggies! Just thought of something!

Meg: (drags Quagmire by the feet): For the last time, I didn't want to be in on this!

Quagmire: This 'something' better be good.

Meg and Quagmire were being lead into the woods by Peter.

Chapter Six:

Peter, Meg, and Quagmire were at the woods. Peter hands Quagmire an ax.

Quagmire: What is with the ax, Peter?

Peter: We are going to unleash you inner strength. Got this idea from that movie "Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter".

Quagmire: I don't even know where to begin?

Meg: Excuse me guys! Time out! I have to go home.

Peter: Oh, no you don't! You're not getting off that easy...

Meg: There's a Lifetime movie on I want to see based on a Luanne Rice novel I read. It's called Follow The Stars Home. One of my favorites.

Peter: Well, watch it on Hulu or Netflix later!

Meg: Don't want to believe me, fine! But I do need to go to the bathroom!

Peter: Go in that portapotty, and then come back!

Meg: Fine! (walks off)

Peter: Bitch bugs me! She really bugs me...

Quagmire: Don't get distracted by her, Peter. Why not concentrate on how to teach me about unleashing my inner strength?

Peter: Oh, yeah, right. Forgot. In order to unleash your strength. You have to think about something that makes you very angry!

Quagmire: Then what? Does this have to do with the ax?

Peter: Ax-zactly! (laughs) Allow me to demonstrate!

Quagmire watches as Peter procedes to use the ax on a tree.

Peter (getting madder and madder): Ernie The Chicken! Meg's shortcomings! Ernie The Chicken! Meg's shortcomings! Ernie the Chicken! Meg's shortcomings!

The ax that Peter hit the tree with was making the tree get cut down second by second...

Peter (growling): ERNIE THE CHICKEN! MEG'S SHORTCOMINGS!

The tree Peter axed down was finally cut off at the stump and fell over backwards.

Quagmire: That was very awesome, Peter! heh heh! Good thing Meg wasn't around to hear you say that!

Peter (hands Quagmire the ax): You try it. Now, what is something that makes you very very angry?

Quagmire (takes the ax and hits the tree): Brian's hypocrisy! Getting dumped by Cheryl Tieges! Brian's hypocrisy! Getting dumped by Cheryl Tieges! Brian's hypocrisy! Getting dumped by Cheryl Tieges! My Dad's sex change...My Dad's sex change...Brian's hypocrisy! Getting dumped by Cheryl Tieges...My dad's sex change!

Meg: I'm back from the bathroom!

Peter (hushing): Quiet mongrol! You'll interrupt Quagmire you greasy rat testicle!

Meg and Peter watch in silence as Quagmire got angrier and angrier as he was chopping down the tree. With one ounce of gull and nerve within him, Quagmire screams in rage as he succeeded in chopping down the tree!

Quagmire: YES! I DID IT! GIGGITY! GIGGITY! GIGGITY! heh heh! All right!

Peter: Holy freakin' sweet! He is on his way to big leagues!

Quagmire: I just might kick that bully's ass after all!

Then a thug looking gangster man who was wearing a fedora and a trench coat and slacks calls out to Peter and Meg. The thug was flipping a coin.

Thug: Psst! Hey, buddies! Come here!

Peter: Come on, Meg! Let's go see what this guy wants!

Meg: We shouldn't talk to him, we don't even know him!

Peter: I'm in charge here, so I say we do!

Meg and Peter walk up to the Thug.

Peter: What can I do for you my kind gangster pal?

Thug: I've been watching you three. I understand you guys are training that pervert to fight?

Meg: Unfortunately yes. I got forced into this.

Thug: Not my problem, toots! If you want him to be even more powerful and strong, use THIS!

Peter looks in awe as they thug shows Peter and Meg a bottle of what looked like juice.

Meg: What exactly is THAT? I don't trust this at all!

Thug: This is energy juice! It's Mountain Dew and Red Bull mixed together! Guaranteed to make a weak person like that skinny guy ovah dere to fight like a gorilla!

Peter: Here that, Meg! We got ourselves some gorilla warfare here!

Meg: You nuts?! That's drugs!

Peter: Don't listen to her, she's the instigator in this. He has to fight a bully and it's all her fault for not protecting him.

Thug: Believe dat! She looks like a dumb broad! Here, I can set you up with a whole supply!

Peter buys the whole supply of energy drink from the Thug.

Thug (walks off deep into the woods): Have-a nice day...

Peter: What did he say was in this?

Meg: Think he said, Mountain Dew and Red Bull!

Peter: I just remember something! (screams out into the woods) YEEE HOOO! Mountain Dew! You weren't alive to recall that commerical, Meg. We're giving this to Quagmire! This will be our secret ingredient! Which I like to call, "Honey Boo Boo Juice"! Mama June used this on her to win all those pagents! So we will do the same!

Cutaway Scene:

Mama June was sitting in the living room in her house, and her daughters come up to her.

Pumpkin: Maw, I'm pregnant again...

Honey Boo-Boo: Got any more of that juice, Mama? Gotta another pagent to go to...

Mama June: You both shut the hell up and eat yer sketti!

Back in the forest.

Meg: You're talking about using drugs to win! That's cheating!

Peter: Quagmire don't have to know that!

Quagmire: Hey, guys. What's going on!

Peter: Have a lot more training to do, that's what!

Meg: Why do I get myself into these things?

Quagmire: Oh on! Think we might've chopped down a memorial tree! To Abe Lincoln!

Peter, Quagmire, and Meg all gasp at the sign next to the tree that read, "Abe Lincoln Memorial Tree".

Quagmire: Hope we didn't anger any spirits...

Peter: Nahhhh, I don't think so. What can they do? I don't believe in that bullshit hocus pocus! Honest Abe can't do nothing to us...What is he going to do? Jump out of his grave and kill us as a skeleton?

A spirit of Abe Lincoln appears before Quagmire and Peter and kicks them in the asses.

Abe Lincoln Ghost: L-l-l-l-l-l-l-KE (beep) I will! (punches Peter in knee): That's what you get for mentioning that crappy shitty movie about be earlier. Vampire Hunter my ass! I freed the slaves and they degrade me like that! Hollywood Bastards! Glad I didn't live to see the 21st century! (fades into the air)

Peter (on the ground): (inhales) AHHHHH! (inhales) AHHHH! (inhales) AHHHH! (inhales) AHHHH!

Quagmire: Haven't seen him do that in a while!

Meg (snickers): Good!

In the next three days, Peter and Meg will have Quagmire undergo vigourious training.

Chapter Seven:

Peter, Meg, and Quagmire were all back at the Quahog Gym getting ready to train Quagmire to fight Mental Mike. Peter was filling Quagmire's water bottle with that energy drink the Thug gave to him earlier. Meg gives Peter the third degree about it.

Meg: You are so immoral, Dad! That's so typical that you would want to cheat your way through this...

Peter (ignoring Meg's rant and singing to the tune of Honey Comb): Honey Boo Boo Juice is big! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! It's not small like Meg's brain! No No No!

Meg: You just want to drug Quagmire like this so YOU can get all the credit!

Peter (sing sing voice): Meg! You're pissing me off! Like in Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, ' you're annoying me!' (mock Southern Accent) So, Kiss My Grits!

Meg: You know what, Dad! If you want to this fight to happen so badly, why don't YOU go and fight Mental Mile yourself!

Peter (giving Meg Quagmire's water bottle): For the last time! Shut up, Meg! And get your ass over there and give this to Quagmire!

Meg (dejectedly): Whatever you say.

Quagmire was jumping rope as Meg handed the water bottle to him.

Meg: I'm supposed to give this to you.

Quagmire: Oh, thanks. (drinks the bottle)

Peter: It's very important to stay hydrated during training. (sotto voice to Meg): If you know what's good for you, don't give away my secret.

Quagmire (done drinking from the bottle and acts hyper): Wow! heh heh! I feel so Giggity! Feel like I just had the ultimate tune up!

Peter: Good Glenn! Doing an awesome job! Keep up that momentum!

Meg: Do you even know what that means?

Peter goes over to a radio and puts in a CD. The White Zombie song 'More Human than Human' plays.

Quagmire: Now I am full of hope that I will beat Mental Mike!

Peter: Put on a little mood music for ya!

Quagmire: Thanks Peter, I needed that!

Meg: No, Dad! You can't play that music, it will make him nervous!

Peter: He needs to get pumped up, angry and inspired!

Meg goes over to the radio and puts in an Iggy Azaela CD the song Beg For It plays.

Quagmire: What happened to the music?

Meg: We're playing MY music! This is more gym style music anyway.

Peter: Think you're so hip and with it, eh?

Meg and Peter have a back and forth about what music to play. Peter puts back on More Human than Human!

Peter: We're playing Peter's music!

Meg (changes the CD): Iggy Azaela!

Peter: White Zombie!

Meg: Iggy Azaela!

Peter: White Zombie!

Meg: Iggy Azaela!

Peter: That's enough out of you! If you play your music one more time,or if Quagmire loses and gets killed by Mental Mike, will crash land a helocopter while you're in the pool like Amy Smart did in Rat Race.

Cutaway Scene:

Peter was up in a helocopter in the sky and he sees Meg in a pool with Joe's son Kevin. Then Peter nose dives into the pool as he was laughing, and crashes into the pool where Meg and Kevin were.

Meg (shrieks in fear): AAAAHHHHH! You scared away my date! Why did you do that, you ass?!

Kevin runs away screaming as Peter walks out of the helocopter to confront Meg.

Peter (picks up Meg by her bathing suit): Did I come at a bad time?!

Back at the Quahog Gym...

Quagmire: Come on guys! Can't you two ever get along? I'm the one who's supposed to fight, not you two! Why don't you play both songs at the same time!

Peter and Meg: Okay! (eyeing each other)

Meg goes to the Radio and plays both the White Zombie and Iggy Azaela songs were playing at the same time.

Quagmire: How much more longer do I have to jump rope?

Peter: Until the music is over.

Quagmire continues to jump rope as Peter prepares for his next plan.

Chapter Eight:

The next day, the fight was drawing near. Peter was at the beach with Meg. They were making Quagmire jog 20 miles on the stretch of Beach.

Quagmire (drinks from his bottle and is out of breath): Need some more water!

Peter (hands Quagmire the bottle): Here ya go!

Quagmire feels energetic again and runs after than before.

Peter: Training him Million Dollar Baby style!

Meg: Is that a dirty joke?

Peter: This is my greatest achievement ever! More better than that time when I had that CD store in 1996!

Cutaway Scene:

It shows Peter outside of his CD store called M. Peter Records, a bunch of teenagers and 20 somethings were lined up.

Peter: Hello ladies and germs! Welcome to M. Peter Records! We have all the latest hits from 1996!

Crowd (cheers): YAY!

Peter: We have... Alanis Morrisette!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: No Doubt!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: Check this out, we have Hole!

Crowd: (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: Rage Against The Machine!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: The dudes who sang Macarena!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: Gin Blossoms!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: Toni Braxton and Sheryl Crow!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: LL Cool J!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: Jewel!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: Tracy Bonham! And let's not forget Tracy Chapman!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: Coolio! And Celine Dion!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: Busta Rhymes!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: Blues Traveler!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: I also have Take That, Hootie and the Blowfish and R. Kelly!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: Tupac and the Notorious BIG!

Crowd (erupting in cheers): YAY!

Peter: I also have Nirvana!

Then the crowd erupts in boos!

Crowd (erupting in Boos): BOO! BOO! BOO! WE HATE THEM! THEY ARE SO FIVE MINUTES AGO! THAT GUY IS DEAD! WE ONLY CARE ABOUT THE LASTEST HITS! GIVE US SOME MUSICIANS WHO ARE LIVING!

Peter: Whoops! Really goofed up THAT time!

Back at the beach, Quagmire continues to jog. As Friday draw near in a musical montage scene, the song Pearl Jam's Alive plays as it shows Peter making Quagmire drink the energy juice, and then Quagmire hit the bag a more stronger, tougher, and faster pace. Peter was making Quagmire jog on the beach and jump rope some more. Meg stood there and watched in disgust. The training repeated repetitively. Then it cut to the scene it is finally Friday at 3pm. Quagmire was still being the Icelandic Exchange Student Arndor. The bell rang and school was about to get out.

Meg: This is it, Quagmire. Still think you're going to die?

Quagmire: Not anymore! Time to kick this bully son of a bitch's ass!

Meg: Wonder what made you so confident these past few days?

Quagmire: Must be something in the water! OHH!

Meg: You were doom and gloom until Dad trained you...oh well. I don't even know anymore.

Quagmire: Peter has a way with people...

Meg sighs as she leads Quagmire out into the front parking lot where a crowd of high school kids were waiting for the impending fight.

Chapter Nine Conclusion:

The fight was about to begin. Peter was at the scene with the bottle at hand. He hands the bottle to Quagmire, and he drinks from it. Meg is at the sidelines. Peter referees. Everyone in a James Woods High gathered for the fight. Teachers, Student Council Members, students as well. Mental Mike shows up to take his place. As does Quagmire.

Meg: I'll be so glad when this is over.

Peter (referees voice): In this corner, the challenger. The exchange student from Iceland, Arndor Ginarr. In this corner, the champion! Mental Mike.

Everyone at James Woods High cheers hoping to see a good clean fight. Quagmire is now feeling more powerful, faster, stronger, and confident than ever before. Thanks to the energy juice Peter bought.

Mental Mike: Like how they think I'm a champion! Which is exactly what I will be at the end if this. Prepare to be roadkill, skinny.

Quagmire: Me, Roadkill? I don't think so! After I'm done with you, you'll be six feet under, and I'll be scoring with that teacher. Don't think I haven't forgotten.

Teacher: Arndor! Arndor! If you win, I want you to do me.

Quagmire: Pretty sure, I will. That would be enough motivation for me. Oh!

Peter: All right. Gentlemen, I want a nice bloody violent, horny dirty fight. As Mills Lane would say, 'Lets Get it On'.

Meg rings the bell. Peter farts in her face. The fight proceeds. Mental Mike hits and punches Quagmire, and he attacks Mental Mike in a similar way. Mental Mike knocks down Quagmire as the crowd watches in awe. Quagmire is down for the count.

Mental Mike: Might as well give up and admit I'm better than you...

Quagmire: Not going down nor will I ever...as far as I am concerned, this fight is over.

Peter makes Quagmire drink from the bottle more energy drink. Then Quagmire becomes seemingly invincible. Quagmire knocks around Mental Mike. Quagmire dances to confuse Mental Mike and gets dizzy as he watches.

Teacher: He's using strategy. Love a man that can both dance and fight. Can't wait to do him.

Quagmire remembers the inner rage technique Peter taught him and uses it to his advantage. Quagmire screams and roars in anger and beats Mental Mike until he is all bloody from head to toe. Mental Mike screams in pain. Quagmire finishes him off by picking Mental Mike up, and throwing him onto the concrete breaking every bone in Mental Mike's. As soon as he hit the ground, Mental Mike was dead forever. Never to be seen or heard from again. Quagmire wins. The whole school cheered for his victory.

Meg: This is finally over. I'm off the hook and can forget this all ever happened.

Peter:. The winner is... Ardnor! (comes to Quagmire) You put a great fight, Quagmire.

Quagmire: Ahhh, it was nothing. This is all thanks to you Peter. Never could've done it without you and Meg. (Drinks what's left of the energy drink)

Meg: So he won. He proved his point. Can we go home now?

Peter: No, Glenn! We don't need that no more!

Quagmire then starts beating up everyone the exact same way he beat up Mental Mike. Kept saying his signature ' Giggity' while he was fighting everyone. First the teacher...

Teacher: I'm ready for you now... (screams from being hit)

Peter: Oh, holy freaking shit! Glenn, please! Don't kill us...This whole thing was a mistake!

Meg: So was dragging me into this, ass! Now look what's happening!

Quagmire throws Peter over his shoulder, then beats up Meg. Quagmire's rampage continues as he punched, hit, kicked, and wrestled all the students, teachers, council members. Everybody was knocked out, beaten, bloodied and bruised. Quagmire discovers he was out of energy drink. He gets mad and throws it into the air, and the bottle lands on Quagmire's head knocking him out cold. The screen goes to black with Megan narrating.

Meg: The day after Quagmire beat Mental Mike, and blew up on everybody...he finally scored with that teacher. Then we celebrated by going here...

The screen now shows Peter and Quagmire at Sky Zone jumping on the trampolines. Peter and Quagmire were both laughing like little kids. Megan is sitting at a table watching them as she looked bored and depressed.

Peter: I'm about to jump into those foam blocks!

Quagmire: So what? I did about sixty flips in the air!

Meg sighed at their childish ignorance as Peter and Quagmire continue to jump on the trampolines at Sky Zone.

The End


End file.
